Uncle Shawn and Bill and the Pajimminy-Crimminy Unusual Adventure Read online

  And at about that time, Ginalolobrigida had finished putting foundation and lip liner and lipstick and glitter gloss on her invisible new friend. She had also applied eyeliner and three shades of carefully blended eye shadow. Ginalolobrigida was so proud of her work that she decided to trot along to the farmhouse and show everyone. “Come along,” she said to her friend. “What should I call you, by the way, little invisible girl?”

  “Why not call me Linvizzygirl?” said the mouth and eyes that Ginalolobrigida’s make-up skills had revealed.

  “Don’t you have a real name?”

  “It’s a secret.” The mouth and eyes looked sad.

  “Well,” Ginalolobrigida continued, “now we must let everyone see I can even apply beautiful make-up to someone with an invisible face.”

  “Are you sure that people won’t be worried when they see a mouth and two eyes floating in thin air in front of them?” asked Linvizzygirl, who had been invisible for a while and knew that people (and llamas called Brian) got very frightened when they saw – or didn’t see – things that were Unusual.

  “No, no, no!” Ginalolobrigida laughed. “Everyone at this farm is far too sensible to be worried about that kind of thing. Come on. We can have some pancakes while we’re there – I’m sure Badger Bill will have made some. He’s always making pancakes – he really enjoys it, so we let him do it a lot.”

  And they both went out of the barn together, happily making lists of pancakes they would like to eat.

  Meanwhile, Uncle Shawn was sitting by a table, thinking very hard – so hard that he didn’t really notice anything else apart from the gargantunormous plan that he was hatching.

  And Badger Bill was walking down the soft path to the farmhouse. He said to himself, “I will just have a nice sit down and a biscuit. That will be lovely and peaceful.” He needed some peace after being hypnotized.

  As Bill reached the front door, he could hear something like thunder far away.

  And then Bill opened the door and – goodness – he heard and tasted and smelled and saw lots of things all at once.

  And they were all Unusual! They were all PAJIMMINY-CRIMMINY UNUSUAL!

  There were hoof prints all over the hallway that he had only swept this morning. And the thunder was much louder and coming towards him…

  When he opened the living room door he couldn’t see anything except a thick, swirling cloud of dust. Then he realized the thunder wasn’t thunder – it was the sound of llama hooves!

  Guinevere and Carlos had fought right across the farm and up to the farmhouse, and then all the way indoors and into the living room. The whole room smelled of hot llama and farm dust.

  “What on earth is happening?” Bill said. Somebody kicked him in the shin and someone else yelled, “Crumply ears!” right into one of his not-at-all-crumply ears.

  Bill peered very hard through the dust and he could just see … a table with hairy llama legs!

  Brian Llama was still hiding and still wearing Bill’s favourite coverlet – which was now all creased and covered in llama hair and layers and layers of dirt.

  Brian was also yelling at the top of his voice, “EMERGENCIA! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! EMERGENCIA!” He thought that Carlos and Guinevere were a swamp monster with lots of feet. They definitely sounded like one.

  Bill – who was now very, very annoyed – yelled, “EVERYBODY STOP! STOP DOING WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING! THIS IS ALL PAJIMMINY-CRIMMINY UNUSUAL!”

  Everyone stood still – especially Brian – and didn’t make a sound.

  The dust began to settle so that the carpet started to look a bit like a llama-hairy beach, or a piece of furry desert.

  And for a moment things seemed sensible.

  Only then Ginalolobrigida Llama trotted happily in through the back door, followed by a floating mouth and a pair of eyes, and announced, “Look! Isn’t this wonderful? I’m not only gorgeous, I’m a genius!”

  Brian saw the floating eyes and mouth and screamed so loudly that all the glasses in the kitchen broke. “EMERGENCIA!”

  And then in through the window climbed a small boy wearing a newspaper hat and a tweed mask who cried, “I am the Tweed-Faced Boy! I will save you!” and ran to help Brian, because he sounded like a damsel in distress.

  Brian – who was scared of pirates (and small boys and tweed) – threw off Bill’s coverlet, which fell onto the hoof-printed, dusty floor. “Please, sir, I am not a damsel.”

  “You screamed like a damsel. Have you eaten a damsel?” shouted the Tweed-Faced Boy.

  This frightened Brian so much that he ran into the kitchen and tried to hide under a tea towel.

  A tea towel is a lot smaller than a llama. His nose stuck out. So did the whole of his body. And his legs.

  The Tweed-Faced Boy went over to Brian and rubbed his tummy to see if there was a damsel inside him. This made Brian giggle.

  Bill could see Uncle Shawn sitting quietly in his favourite armchair and smiling as if he was having a wonderful time. “Hello, Bill,” said Uncle Shawn. “Are you having a nice day?”

  “What!?!” said Bill, who suddenly felt very cross and peculiar. “How could I be having a nice day!?! Uncle Shawn – look at the mess! Look at my ruined quilt cover! Look at Brian getting llama fur on my only clean tea towel. Look at Guinevere nipping Carlos’s ear!”

  Guinevere stopped biting Carlos and both llamas tried to look innocent while Ginalolobrigida stuck her tongue out at them. Linvizzygirl’s eyes and mouth giggled, and the Tweed-Faced Boy studied her from behind his mask and under his newspaper hat.

  Uncle Shawn just sat and smiled even more. “Oh, I’m sure that you can clear this up, all by yourself, without us helping you.” He closed his eyes and whistled a little tune.

  This made Bill even more furious. “I never make any mess!” he shouted. “Why am I always the badger who cleans up the mess!?”

  “You’re the only badger we have,” said Uncle Shawn.

  This made Bill angrier than a badger had ever been – even the famously bad-tempered Karl Badger, whose face was so red and hot from always yelling that other badgers would hold bread against his cheeks to make toast. This made Karl even more furious.

  Bill shouted so loud that his whiskers went straight, “And look at Ginalolobrigida!”

  “Yes, everyone should always look at me,” agreed Ginalolobrigida.

  “You are standing right next to a floating mouth and eyes!” said Bill. “THIS IS TOO UNUSUAL!”

  At this, Linvizzygirl’s eyes started crying and her mouth said, “I’m not Unusual and you’re all horrible – apart from this tall, furry lady with the make-up. I’m not staying!”

  Everyone heard the sound of invisible feet stamping off, then the back door swung open and was slammed shut by an invisible hand.

  “And who are you?” growled Bill to the small boy in the newspaper hat.

  “I am the Tweed-Faced boy!” announced the Tweed-Faced Boy. (He was still tickling Brian because they were both enjoying it and because he had realized that there wasn’t a damsel inside him.) The Tweed-Faced Boy looked around the kitchen and speared a rather dusty pancake with his pretend sword. “And I have to follow those eyes and that mouth before they disappear! Farewell!” He jumped out of the kitchen window, leaving muddy footprints on the sill.

  “Oh, Uncle Shawn!” said Bill. And because Bill was cross and had been hypnotized, he then said a terrible thing: “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!”

  Uncle Shawn looked at Bill with his clever, big blue eyes and he didn’t say anything. Which was part of his plan.

  “Maybe Doctor P’Klawz is right and you are too Unusual.” Bill had a nasty wriggly feeling in his tummy when he said this.

  Uncle Shawn nodded and ruffled his hair so that it nodded, too. “Well… Maybe I am an Unusual person.” He smiled a small, sad smile. “Maybe I should go and be squished in the Institution for Maximum Security and Unusualness Curing.”

  This made
Bill stop being angry altogether, because thinking of Uncle Shawn – who was filled up to the top with fun – being left alone with P’Klawz was horrible. “No, no… That might be not a good idea…” Bill knew that without his Unusualness, Uncle Shawn wouldn’t be Uncle Shawn any more…

  But Uncle Shawn seemed very happy about going to the Institution. “Oh, I think it will be wonderful! That will solve all our problems. I should go at once.”

  Everyone in the room – especially Bill – thought that sounded terrible.

  “I will stay until I am Usual!” Uncle Shawn grinned.

  Everyone shivered all over until their fur was standing on end and they looked as if they’d been washed and then rubbed with towels.

  But Uncle Shawn just winked at Bill and said, “I’ll go right away. Goodness me, it’s almost as if things are running exactly according to some kind of plan. Why don’t you phone Doctor P’Klawz for me? Here’s his card.” And then Uncle Shawn walked out, whistling as if there was nothing worrying him at all.

  SECTION TWELVE

  In which we have the saddest section in the history of sections. But maybe Uncle Shawn has a plan. I do hope so. I really do. Otherwise…

  Badger Bill looked at his friends the llamas and then he looked at P’Klawz’s card. His tummy flip-flopped.

  Guinevere said, “But an Institution for Maximum Security and Unusualness Curing sounds horrible.”

  And Carlos said, “I don’t think they would let us visit him there.”

  And Ginalolobrigida said, “I am wonderful and charming. I would be allowed to visit.”

  Bill said, in a sad and trembly voice, “Uncle Shawn did tell me to phone Dr P’Klawz… And I suppose…”

  “Don’t send him away,” said Brian. “I’ll be scared if he goes away.” Brian swallowed loudly. “He might be scared, too…”

  The other llamas nodded. Carlos sniffled.

  And Bill thought of how much he would miss Uncle Shawn.

  But then Bill thought about the whole house being full of dust and hoof prints and llama fur, and the floating eyes and mouth, and the boy with a tweed mask and a pirate hat – and what about the big eyes and the big voice in the sea…?

  Bill felt so confused his ears lay flat against his head and stopped moving.

  Because he trusted Uncle Shawn, his best friend, he did what he had been told to do – even though it made him feel sick. He went and phoned Dr P’Klawz and everybody heard him say, “Hello? Doctor P’Klawz? Uncle Shawn wants you to take him away and make him less Unusual.”

  Oh dear!

  The llamas went out and waited at the front of the farmhouse and were very quiet and leaned against each other and rubbed noses so that they wouldn’t feel so worried. Ginalolobrigida even kissed the top of Brian’s head so that he would be less upset. And Guinevere cried a bit and Carlos said, “It’s OK. Please don’t cry. Maybe Uncle Shawn has a plan.” Only he didn’t sound as if he believed that.

  After a while, a huge grey van arrived. On the side of the van there were some nasty big words: INSTITUTION FOR MAXIMUM SECURITY AND UNUSUALNESS CURING – COLLECTION SERVICE.

  Uncle Shawn came out and waved at the van as if it was full of delicious ice cream.

  Two huge grey men in huge grey coats climbed out of the van and stood silently with their arms folded.

  Brian Llama looked at them and said, “Oh no,” very quietly.

  Dr P’Klawz stepped out of the back of the van, wearing his shiny shoes and his perfectly white suit, and grinned like a thousand toilets covered by a big horrible snowdrift. And he said in an evil and pleased voice, “I told you that your friends would want to get rid of you, Uncle Shawn.” He waved the piece of paper Bill had refused to sign, even while he was hypnotized. P’Klawz had forged Bill’s signature on it. “Here is proof that your best friend doesn’t like you.” He grinned like a cruel iceberg. “Come along now – or you’ll be late for your first meal of grey porridge and hot water.”

  Brian whispered, “But Uncle Shawn won’t like that. He’d prefer fish and chips, or custard and chops, or chocolate sausages.”

  The other llamas nodded, too nervous to speak, but P’Klawz ignored them. He twirled his shiny watch and it made them all feel a bit sleepy.

  Then Bill opened the front door. He was so sad all his fur had gone droopy and he could hardly lift his head. He was carrying a small bag with nice things that Uncle Shawn might like to take with him. Uncle Shawn waved at him and said, “Thank you, Bill. You’re still my best friend. And you know what best friends do.”

  “No waving. No friends,” said P’Klawz. “And no bags. Every inmate wears a grey smock. We will give you the smock. That’s all you need.”

  “Oh, well then,” said Uncle Shawn. “That will be fine.” Uncle Shawn shook Bill’s paw very seriously and said, “Do not worry, very dear Bill. You are my best friend in the whole world and everything will be fine from now on.” And he winked an enormous wink – as if he really did have a plan. Or most of a plan. Bill didn’t notice, though, because he was upset and staring at the ground and thinking that he might cry.

  Uncle Shawn walked towards Dr P’Klawz and called out to the llamas, “Take care of each other while I am away, dear Carlos and Guinevere and Ginalolobrigida and – of course – dear Brian. You must come and visit me soon.” He sounded cheery but Uncle Shawn’s hair looked very still and worried.

  “No visitors!” said P’Klawz firmly.

  “Maybe a postcard or two…”

  “No postcards! Come along. You are wasting time.” And P’Klawz pushed Uncle Shawn into the van, before climbing in and shutting the doors behind him with a big grey THUMP.

  The two men in grey got into the front of the van. Then the van drove away, and Bill and the llamas watched Uncle Shawn’s face get smaller and smaller as the van’s tiny rear window went further and further into the distance.

  In the end, they couldn’t see Uncle Shawn, or even the van.

  And then they all sat down together on the grass, because they were too sad to go anywhere else, and pretended they weren’t crying.

  But they all were.

  And Bill was crying most of all.

  The day after that – which was a Tuesday – Guinevere and Carlos tried to have a fight about who had the biggest bottom, but they were too sad to argue.

  Carlos said to an especially tall flower, “Oh, Juan… I miss Uncle Shawn.”

  Guinevere tried to say, “That’s not Juan, you silly llama.” But in the end, all the words got mixed up and came out sounding like, “I miss Uncle Shawn, too.”

  They both went and drank some lemonade in one of the llama barns, but it tasted too salty because Badger Bill had been crying while he made it.

  On Wednesday, Brian Llama woke up at two in the morning and was sure he heard something like tiny footsteps and sighing. He considered yelling and running away, but he felt too tired and upset. He just lay on top of his bed made of straw and said, “Oh, I miss Uncle Shawn.”

  “I probably do, too,” said the dark. And then it sighed. It was Linvizzygirl, of course.

  Brian Llama felt someone the shape and size of a little girl leaning against his side and using his fur as a pillow. Somehow he didn’t mind, because the voice sounded almost as sad as he was.

  On Thursday, Ginalolobrigida Llama was trying to admire her reflection in a little pool near the edge of the woods. She knew she had the most glimmering eyes and the most seductive long nose of any llama anywhere. But today she thought that her nose seemed squint and one of her eyelashes seemed to be shorter than the rest.

  She suddenly realized, “Being terribly sad is ruining my beauty. If I go on missing Uncle Shawn, I shall look like the most hideous witch in the world.” (As you know, the most hideous witch in the world is Carmilla Newtfeet. She is so ugly that even writing down her name can turn your teeth green.)

  Ginalolobrigida sighed and dipped one of her beautifully varnished hooves into the pool so that her reflection went wibbly.


  “Perfect and lovely damsel, may I assist thee?” shouted a voice.

  Ginalolobrigida looked up to see the Tweed-Faced Boy sitting in a tree above her.

  “I am not a damsel, I am a llama.”

  “Everyone says that.”

  “Everyone who is a llama will always say that. Why do you have a tweed mask? Did you get so sad you became ugly?”

  The Tweed-Faced Boy scratched under his newspaper hat while he thought. “I don’t think so – it’s more that I need to be in disguise. You see, Doctor P’Klawz hypnotized my mother so that she would let him take me away to be squished. He had already taken my sister. He kept me and a few others in a small Institution, far away from here, and fed us grey porridge and made us sew pillowcases that would give people nightmares. I looked for my sister there but she must have been somewhere else… When P’Klawz moved all of us to the new Institution here, I escaped and started wearing this mask so that no one would find me and take me back.”

  “I see,” said Ginalolobrigida, even though she didn’t really.

  “I have sworn to defend all damsels in distress until I find my sister and save her. You haven’t seen a little girl around here, have you? She’d be about my height. We’re twins. She was born a few minutes before me, but I’m a bit bigger and so I have to look after her. At least, I’m supposed to. I don’t know the way back home, or how to rescue her, or anything… But I must have my revenge on P’Klawz!”

  “Does she have a face?” asked Ginalolobrigida, thinking of Linvizzygirl.

  “Of course she has a face! And it was nice and… I miss her.” The Tweed-Faced Boy’s head drooped.